dear (cjones)
my exact story. It has been a long time and most of the time, a very rough road. However, I do see a light at the end of the tunnel.
here are some things that helped me:
I've been in COUNSELLING for about 8 years. Can't say enough great things about this...
Through what I've learned & healed, I've managed to get him to sessions on a regular basis. This has helped alot.
Trick to counselling is find one you connect with that is familiar with cult life/personalities. The first 1 or two might not meet YOUR requirements. Don't settle.
READ: This discussion board saved me & our marriage. Not so much for the doctrinal stuff, however it is important to understand their deceptions - It was for the heartfelt stories, the idea that we've all be terribly affected by this monster.
I found that In Search of Christian Freedom helped me too. as well as Captives of a Concept & the Steven Hassan books - combatting cult control & Releasing the bonds.
I don't think its a good idea to leave the anti-books out for him to see. Don't hide them, but just not in his face. Feeds his fear of evil/you.
BUT DON'T FORGET TO FEED YOUR OWN SOUL. Read some good non-fiction yourself as well as fluff. TOO much seriousness is NOT GOOD.
THEY SAY IT TAKES 10 YEARS TO COME OUT OF A CULT (if you come out) In the beginning I wanted to know everything. I couldn't believe it was possible that an org like this existed, let alone that extended family members were involved. AND NOW MY HUSBAND! It was panic all the way in the beginning. WARNING hindsight is 20/20 and that attitude set me/us back a few years, I'd say about 5! in the awakening process. We even separated for about 1 year it was that bad. This whole nightmare has been very hard on the kids. Luckily we really were in love - an emotion not easily understood - and that took about 8 yrs to realize.
THE PENDULUM: We still have the "swing" going. Long periods of cult activity with short authentic personality times has done the flip to: long with real hubby to short/no cult activity. These periods where your husband is being his old self at first might be hard to detect (first place is in the bedroom - keep that going for sure LOL) Next would be to remember the small things you used to do or say "in the old days" WOO him to remember, participate. When the cult guy shows up just let him be. Continue to do fun things on your own & with the kids ALWAYs ASK HIM TO PARTICIPATE. and watch for that man you married - with practice you can get that guy to come around more often.
CHOICE OF WORDS for women its hard to believe that simple words to a guy really make a difference.
Example always use: would instead of could (would you sit with me ...take out the garbage....);
like to instead of should (I'd like to be able to);
what made you instead of why did you do that
etc.
We are still miles away from an ending, but during this last year we've made huge strides towards it. Our marriage is better for it. If we had of done this work before he might never have been caught up in this. Who knows. I wish you all the best. Deciding to do the long haul is the hardest decision. I looked at it as if he had an illness - that might not work for all, but it helped me at the low times.
wp
Will Power
JoinedPosts by Will Power
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16
Just want to introduce myself
by cjones inhi everyone, i have been lurking for a very long time and have been pretty much blown away and sickened by what i have learned on this discussion forum (this is actually the first forum i had ever visted).
i am married to man who was not a jw when i met him (although he was raised as one from his early teens but left when he was in his 20's, oh and that was when he started attending college), to make a long story short we met, fell in love, got married, had a few children and then 20 yrs later he started attending the "meetings" or better yet "the indoctrination sessions" again, which btw he did not tell me that that was what he was doing!!
shortly thereafter i began noticing changes in his personality, and it wasn't for the better.
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Will Power
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Blood Card
by treadnh2o ini'm just wondering how many who are still "in" have stopped carrying an" advanced medical directive"( blood card)
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Will Power
OR.....
How many who are out still carry the card? -
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Apostate Talk
by Wordly Andre inwhy is it that jw's are so afraid to talk to anyone who questions the beliefs, or in general says anything bad about the org.
case in point here i have a friend his family are all jw's not the best of the crowd but they are trying, anyway his brother and i were talking and i was telling him about how some of my cousins have left the org, and even showed him a funny picture of all of us wearing jehovah's witness protection program t-shirts there were about 7 of us in the photo.
he ended the converstation very rapidly and left.. i was not really telling him anything that bad, and i was just mostly joking with him, honestly i didn't think he was all that much of a jw, before he got married he lived with his gf, i have heard he likes to party, and for the most part you'd swear he wasn't a jw, not even baptized.
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Will Power
double post
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Apostate Talk
by Wordly Andre inwhy is it that jw's are so afraid to talk to anyone who questions the beliefs, or in general says anything bad about the org.
case in point here i have a friend his family are all jw's not the best of the crowd but they are trying, anyway his brother and i were talking and i was telling him about how some of my cousins have left the org, and even showed him a funny picture of all of us wearing jehovah's witness protection program t-shirts there were about 7 of us in the photo.
he ended the converstation very rapidly and left.. i was not really telling him anything that bad, and i was just mostly joking with him, honestly i didn't think he was all that much of a jw, before he got married he lived with his gf, i have heard he likes to party, and for the most part you'd swear he wasn't a jw, not even baptized.
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Will Power
I've often wonder that myself.
I do have somewhat of a theory - only tested a few times tho.
When I talk to a JW and ask or comment on a "touchy" subject, it SEEMS to me: if they have no doubts or (reservations) or lack of confidence in their "org/god", they will engage in conversation. If they themselves are dealing with doubt, maybe this subject had been brought up previously at another place & time and its been weighing on their mind who knows but they sure hi-tail it out of there.
When I mention something to an active JW who knows my stand on the borg, well first of all they stay away so I never get a chance, but in the beginning (before I got a reputation LOL)
the conversation would go so far - and the point of breakdown seemed to be when I started to make sense or when logically it seemed the borg was not. Step 3 would then kick in and they'd resort to name calling, personal attacks and out-right bad behaviour.
does this sound familiar to anyone else?
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Will Power
Not too long ago I remember reading about a book that came to the conclusion that the NWT was the best translation out there. (LOL) maybe they are taking advantage of this?
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Son sends "apostate" text message - Now the elders want to talk to him!!
by GoingGoingGone inmy 17 year old son told his dad that he didn't want to be a jw anymore about 8 months ago i think, and doesn't go to meetings or assemblies.
he's been accepted to one of the best universities in the country and will start this fall, with his dad's blessing.
their congregation had the summer convention this past weekend.
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Will Power
(((GGG))) sorry I've been so out-of-touch for so long. another story. Whether to meet or not is a tough one. I agree with all the "don't bother" advice, for the sake of the whole family, but also with your son's need to express HIS INFORMED CHOICE. It's amazing how JWs go all the way to supreme court to defend their right to exercise their conscience - even to the point of PHYSICAL DEATH. Now these elders are in charge of your son's spiritual death. How dare play god! I'd love to hear a conversation where the entire JW practiced blood defence is used with word changes. Instead of blood, using lies and coverups as what is detestable to god - or any of the other unchristian characteristic JWs are famous for. I hope things go OK - remember, whatever happens - your husband will see the true colours of elders when faced with org policies over loving-christian principles. This may be his eye-opener - the final straw. wp
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BIG NEWS - UK Gov't to Stop Watchtower Blood Teaching?
by skeeter1 inthis below just came up on the wire and is higher in rank than the globe articlethe watchtower is going into spin control overtimehttp://www.religiousintelligence.co.uk/news/?newsid=1725new rules could threaten charity status of jehovah's witnesses.
religious intelligence ltd, uk - 19 minutes ago.
several jehovahs witnesses charities in the uk expressed concern that the draft guidance could affect their beliefs on blood transfusion.
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Will Power
REGARDING...."Sorry, but I think this is irrelevant as it only applies to Jehovah's Witnesses themselves."
JWs directly and indirectly effect those around them with their blood policy. What of the JW mother who chooses to die and leaves her children motherless? That mother could be the sole provider for her children. Who's to say those children would grow up to be jw adults? - The statistics say they will not!
She could also be a sister, a daughter, a care-giver to others who may or may not be jws.
It seems like pure selfishness to me. In so many cases a needless death so that person can "secure" their own fate. Putting themselves above everyone else for their own safety.
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Re: Suicide card
by carla ini have a question about signing the suicide card.
i'm not sure if my jw has signed the suicide card or not.
i have not seen it in his wallet.
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Will Power
Im a current smoker myself
sorry, but I didn't know until I quit, just how stinky it really is! blech -
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Re: Suicide card
by carla ini have a question about signing the suicide card.
i'm not sure if my jw has signed the suicide card or not.
i have not seen it in his wallet.
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Will Power
CARLA & mkr:
maybe it's because I am also a UBM, but I agree
I also like the Junction guy's analogy - feed the addiction even til death because that is what the addict wants ??
doug mason:
In a blood transfusion, the blood does not symbolise the death of the donor.
QUESTION/comment
to a JW the blood transufsion symbolizes the death of the recipient then??? - a spiritual death, which to a witness is worse than physical death
if you survive the physical death by taking blood, the congregation then kills you spiritually - judges you FOR god, then they shun you?
so in a life or death situation, like an accident for instance, if you need the blood to live, the blood means life, if you don't get it you die
JW in same situation the meanings are reversed ???
When I used to smoke my brain believed it would die if I didn't get the nicotine - if I was out of smokes, I would go into survival mode. Even if I was crying and pleading my kids would not go to the store to buy them, give me money for them, light them for me, NOTHING! (not that I ever did that, but if I did)
I certainly have the legal right to kill myself with cigarettes, but until I cured my brain of its delusions I was not able to quit. Thank goodness there were people out there making it difficult for me to smoke, even tho they were trampling on my rights - governments, employers, strangers, friends, family - I didn't like it at the time and fought for my rights, but without all the education about cancers etc, warnings, and the "You Stink" comments I might've still been in the dark, as so many others, costing the health care system billions.
I believe its discussions like these, and others in court that will start to chip away at the sadly misinformed and manipulated.
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Ok, lets set the record straight was it a CROSS or a STAKE
by Witchs Son inand what would you say about the book often referenced by the society as a backing for the stake theory, the non-christian cross by j. d. parsons ?.
you can also download it here if you prefer.
i know that book was written in 19th century so i hope that won't be used as an argument against it after all sir isaac newton's principia was written in 1687 and we aren't holding that against it either.
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Will Power
I've always been a bit confused about what they mean by "the cross is pagan".
If the pagan romans crucified Jesus, then why wouldn't the shape be called pagan?
Then if a christian had a cross/crucifix because it is immediately identifiable (worldwide just about) as the recognition of the great sacrifice - what better way to identify yourself as a believer?
sounds like it has a whole new meaning now.
works better than a convention badge or a bad suit & bookbag
wp